Oh man, your life is MESSED UP right now.
Not that anyone asked us. But they can officially start.
Send Jilly your questions by filling out the form at the bottom of this post or right here, and she’ll send you a piece of her mind.
Because during those troubled times, it’s always important to ask yourself: What WOULD Jilly do?
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I have a guy friend who has had a thing for me for a long time. Early on he ‘declared himself,’ but I told him I didn’t think of him that way. Since then, I’ve usually been dating someone else, and we only do things in groups (I haven’t made him a none-of-the-benefits cuddle boyfriend or anything), so I don’t think I’ve been leading him on; he’s just one of those ‘hold a torch’ kind of guys.
Unfortunately, at a friend’s party a couple weeks ago I got too drunk, and so did he, and we ended up going home together. Now he’s acting like we’re a de facto couple, and I don’t know how to deal with it: he’s calling all the time, making just-us plans for the weekend, putting his arm around me if we’re walking somewhere, etc. etc. On paper, we’d be great for each other, and I really like him, I just didn’t mean for things to take this turn. Should I just suck it up and play along? I feel like it’s my fault that we’re in this situation in the first place.
-Unwillingly More Than Just Friends
This has inspired a million-dollar idea:
The breathalyzer-operated chastity belt. Just like those cars that won’t turn on for drunks, except this won’t come off for them.
So we all agree that you screwed up; the bigger problem is that you KEEP screwing up.
No, you shouldn’t have taken your friend home in the first place. But that’s a one-time party foul. Everyone has a few alcohol-induced regrets, and for most people, that includes at least one “never by the light of sobriety” hookup.
But every time you let him drape an arm, or call you hun, or buy your movie ticket since the initial “fuck, we fucked” mistake, you’re just making it worse.
Because you’re not into this guy. If you had ever been into this guy, chances are things would have started before now, in a less-regrettable way.
And since you’re not into him, things will only get worse.
Yes, yes, I know, “don’t some of the best relationships come out of friendships? Isn’t the entire Jane Austen canon based on the premise that maybe you can just learn to like someone by accident?”
Forget the fact that I’m skeptical about that premise (you can’t ‘learn’ attraction), let’s focus on the specific reasons this relationship won’t go that way: because it started as a sort of emotional blackmail, and you’re going to start resenting this guy, sooner than later, for having done that to you.
And you have every right to.
Maybe in the wave of beating yourself up over the (honest) mistake, you missed that part, but from where I’m standing it’s pretty clear. This guy has always had a thing for you, you’ve told him “no” in the past, and yet he just assumed relationship-status the second he finally got into your pants. You were both wasted, so no one is “to blame” for that having happened, but afterwards, knowing that you might not have been thinking clearly, he should have talked with you, or asked you out, or done just about anything but try to guilt you into a relationship.
So next time he calls, be honest: tell him you really care about him, but that sleeping together was a mistake, and you don’t think you want to be together as a couple.
If he can’t remain friends with you after you tell him the thing you already told him, then he’s not much of a friend in the first place.
My boss is constantly asking me to do things that totally aren’t my job at all. I tend to just do them because I don’t want to get in trouble with him, but I resent the hell out of it—it’s not what I was hired to do, it feels like pointless busywork, and honestly, it’s below my pay-grade. Is there a way to make sure I’m not stuck doing work I shouldn’t have to?
-Please Stay Out of my Wheelhouse
Quit, or at least be willing to be asked to.
There are some details about your situation that I don’t know that could affect the outcome: whether you have another supervisor besides your boss that you could talk to, how many people are on staff (with large companies, roles may be pretty narrowly defined, but at smaller ones, there may be a tacit “all hands on deck” attitude), and how outrageous the requests really are. If he’s making you, a software engineer, double as the bathroom-cleaner, you have a pretty legitimate cause for complaint, even to higher powers, if need be. If he’s asking you to photocopy some documents for him because the receptionist isn’t in that day and you’re in, say, sales, it might feel like it’s not really your responsibility, but any complaint you make will come off as whining, and you’ll be the one who ends up looking bad.
My advice? Smile, make the copies,
and look for a new job on your lunch hour,
because you’re right, you’ll end up resenting the one you’re at more and more.
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